


Thicker Than Water

by carolinecrane



Series: Retrograde [19]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-03
Updated: 2004-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-28 02:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6311269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We can't choose our families.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thicker Than Water

He can still feel Tyler's mouth on his as he pushes Matt out the door and down the sidewalk. He wants to turn around and go back inside, to kiss Tyler again until it finally starts to make sense. Because something changed in there, something broke or shifted or maybe just finally slid into place, only he can't quite put his finger on what. He felt it when Tyler kissed him that second time, and he knows if he could just feel it one more time he'd figure it out.

There's no time for that now, though, because Matt's standing next to his car, arms crossed over his chest and his mouth set in a defiant line Speed hasn't seen since Matt was six years old and refusing to go to bed. He rolls his eyes and unlocks the car, letting out a frustrated breath when Matt doesn't move. "Get in the car."

"What's your problem?"

"Right now you're my problem," Speed answers, fingers clenching his keys too tight, and they're going to leave impressions in his palm. He's hard and he's having a little trouble thinking straight, and part of him just wants to tell Matt to get lost. But he can't, because even if they weren't family, he's out on bail and Speed's planning to make sure he shows up for his court date. "Get in."

Matt gives him one last look and for a second Speed thinks maybe he's going to tell him to go to hell, but then he yanks the door open too hard and throws himself into the passenger seat. And he's not that far from being a teenager – technically he still _is_ a teenager – but he's old enough to act better than this, and Speed can't help wondering if he pulls this stuff with their parents.

He drives back to his own place in silence, the radio tuned to something loud enough to drown out the voice in the back of his head telling him to turn around, to drive back to Tyler's place and say that thing he couldn't bring himself to say. There's a part of him that wants to, to leave Matt sitting in the car wondering while he rings Tyler's doorbell and says the words before Tyler can even get out a surprised 'hi'. Like in one of those cheesy movies he doesn't even like, the kind where the guy always gets the girl in the end even though it never goes that way in real life.

He doesn't turn the car around, and he's not sure if that makes him a coward or just practical. Because it's smarter to get this mess with Matt straightened out so there's nothing hanging over him when he sees Tyler again; that's what he tells himself as he leads Matt into his apartment, turning on lights and ignoring the blinking light on the answering machine. He slides his jacket off, shaking his head as Matt throws himself down on the sofa and props his feet up on the coffee table.

"You wanna tell me how you got yourself thrown in jail?"

"Why don't you ask your pal Detective Bernstein? I bet he'd be glad to hear from you."

He feels his mouth twist into a scowl, but he swallows against the urge to ask what exactly Matt thinks he knows about Bernstein. There's nothing _to_ know, not really, because Bernstein's just another part of his past, even if the past has a way of resurfacing at all the wrong moments.

"I'm asking you," he says instead, standing in front of the coffee table and crossing his arms over his chest. "This isn't a joke, Matt. You're going to have to show up for your court date. Mom and Dad are going to freak."

"Please, like they'll care," Matt answers, and Speed doesn't miss the bitterness in his voice. "I'm surprised they even noticed I was gone."

"What are you talking about?" he asks, frowning when Matt rolls his eyes and leans back on the couch. "Mom called here looking for you, of course she cares."

"I'll tell you what she cares about. She cares if another one of her kids freaks out and gives the neighbors another chance to talk about what a bad mother she is. She cares if I make her look bad to all her little charity friends the way you did. As long as I'm not making her look bad it doesn't matter what I do."

It's been a long time, but Speed remembers that feeling. He remembers how much time all his mother's 'other' kids took up, the ones she spent all her time volunteering with, and how much he resented it when he was little enough to need her. Then David came along and he stopped caring what his parents did, because he had somebody who focused everything on him. Losing David was hard, but not as hard as going back to feeling all alone in the world. And he hates himself because he knows it's true, knows that's why his job has been his whole life for so long and why it's so hard to admit that he might need something more.

He lets out a deep breath and sinks down onto the far end of the couch, elbows resting on his knees and he stares down at his hands for a few seconds before he finally glances over at Matt. "Look, I know they're not that good at the whole parenting thing. But that doesn't mean they don't care."

"You know what they're going to care about? Whether or not this gets back to anybody they know."

"They're not like that," Speed says, and he's not sure why he's defending his parents when he hasn't even seen them in almost ten years. "Come on, man, if they cared so much about what people thought they'd have been glad to get rid of me. At least you're not gay. You're not, are you?"

"No," Matt answers, lips twisting into a lopsided smirk. "I thought about telling them I was, though, just to see what they'd do."

Speed has no idea what's been going on back in Syracuse – he wants to believe Matt's anger is just leftover teen angst, but he has a feeling it's something bigger. Something that maybe has to do with the way he left home, at least if Tyler's right. And he knows he should ask, but he doesn't even know the right questions. "So...what, you figured you'd get their attention by getting yourself arrested?"

"It's not like I planned that. I was just there, I wasn't even using. It's spring break, you're supposed to hang out with your friends and go to parties, right? It's not like I knew we were walking into a drug bust."

"I told you..."

"I know, I know," Matt interrupts, "you told me to be careful. Jesus, you sound just like Dad."

"Yeah, well, he's not always wrong," Speed answers, swallowing the urge to tell Matt he doesn't sound anything like their father. He doesn't really want to think about that right now, not when he's still trying to figure out what his brother's doing sitting in his living room in the first place. "You're going to have to tell them you got arrested. You and your buddies are going to have to come back for your court date."

"Can't you just call your pal Bernstein and get them to drop the charges?"

"No way," Speed answers, frowning when Matt grins at him.

"Bad breakup?"

For a second he considers lying and telling Matt he's way off base, but there's no way Matt would believe him even if it was true. "Look, I'm not going to pull strings to get you out of trouble. You should have thought about the consequences before you went to a rave."

"Thanks for the advice, Dad." Matt laughs and picks his feet up off the coffee table, stretching his legs out and glancing around the living room before he looks at Speed again. "Maybe I'll just stick around until my court date. School's overrated anyway."

Panic flashes in Speed at the thought of his brother hanging around Miami. He's already managed to cause more problems in two days than Speed would have thought possible, and there's no telling what else will happen if he hangs around. "So…what, you're dropping out of school now? You've only been here two days and you've already been arrested, I doubt Mom and Dad are going to go for that."

"I've been in town for five days," Matt says, his lips twisting into a bitter smile when Speed raises his eyebrows. "Got here on Monday. It took me a few days to decide whether or not I felt like stopping by."

"You still haven't said _why_ you stopped by."

"What, I need a reason to visit my only brother?"

"No." Speed pauses, choosing his words carefully because he's not as mad as he was, but he's still not that happy with Matt. "But I want to know why you told Tyler all that stuff about David."

"I figured he already knew," Matt says, but he looks down as he says it and Speed can tell he's lying. "Isn't that the kind of stuff you're supposed to tell the people you're sleeping with?"

"When the timing's right." He's not really sure when the time would have been right for that conversation if Matt hadn't forced his hand, but he wants to believe he was getting closer to telling Tyler everything. "The point is, he should have heard it from me. It's none of your business anyway."

As soon as he says it Matt looks up, features twisting into a scowl that looks way too familiar. "You know what, man? Fuck you. My whole life, everything's been about David. When I was a kid it was the two of you all the time, it was like I didn't even exist because you already had a brother. By the time I was old enough to get why you were together all the time he was dead, and you might as well have been too. You were never around to hear any of it, man, so don't tell me it's none of my business."

"What are you talking about?" And he knows this is what Tyler meant when he said Matt was angry, but it still takes him by surprise to hear that Matt missed having a real brother around.

"I'm talking about what it was like after you left. Dad practically lived at the restaurant just so he wouldn't have to deal with Mom freaking out, wondering whether you were going to turn up dead somewhere. They thought I was too little to understand, but I got it. They didn't have to say it out loud, everybody in town thought you'd gone someplace to kill yourself."

It wasn't like he'd never thought about it. He had, but never for more than a few seconds at a time, and he knew even then that he'd never be able to go through with it. But hearing Matt say it all these years later makes his chest ache, and instantly he's right back there, driving his bike too fast down roads he never bothered to learn the names of. He never paid attention to where he was going, and when he finally found himself on David's uncle's doorstep it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to David's uncle.

"You were only seven," he hears himself say, but they both know it's a lame excuse. "I'd already been away at college for two years, I didn't think you'd even notice."

"Yeah, well, you were wrong."

Speed nods, because there's not much he can say to that. He's not sure what Matt expects him to do about it all these years later, but he knows now and that's the first step. "So are you serious about dropping out of school?"

"Worked for you," Matt says, grinning when Speed frowns at him. "Besides, I like Miami. I can see why you don't make it back to Syracuse."

The reasons he doesn't make it back to Syracuse are a lot more complicated than just the Florida weather, but he has a feeling Matt knows that. "You're not dropping out of school just to hang out on the beach like some degenerate."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"I'm your brother, I can tell you whatever I want."

That gets him a broad grin, and just for a second Matt looks exactly like the kid Speed left behind when David died.

"I never said anything about dropping out. But I was thinking about checking out the University of Miami. I hear they've got a decent Oceanography program." Matt laughs and stands up, starting across the living room before Speed has a chance to react. "You mind if I take a shower? I smell like county lock-up."

Speed's still trying to find his voice when the bathroom door shuts, and by the time he processes what Matt just said the shower's already running. He shakes his head and stands up, hesitating for a second before he picks up the phone. It's not that late, but as he listens to the phone ring twice, then three times he wonders if maybe Tyler already went to bed. Or maybe he went out, but before Speed has time to imagine all the places Tyler could have gone without him on a Friday night, the line connects.

"Hello?"

He sounds a little breathless, and Speed finds himself smiling into the receiver. "Hey."

"Hi. Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Speed answers, closing his eyes long enough to picture the smile he can hear in Tyler's voice. "At least I think so. I think Matt just threatened to move here, but I can't tell if he's kidding."

Tyler laughs, the sound making Speed's heart skip a beat, and he really is screwed if just hearing Tyler laugh makes him want to drive all the way back over there. "I wouldn't put much past your brother at this point. Is he staying there tonight?"

"I guess so," Speed answers, glancing down the hall in the direction of the bathroom. He hasn't thought that far ahead and he's not even sure where Matt's stuff is, but he hasn't mentioned the hotel or his friends, so Speed can only assume he's planning to stay. "He's in the shower right now. He wants to stay until his court date. I'm not sure how my mom's going to take that."

"Listen, Tim, I know what I said before, but if you can't make it tomorrow I'll understand."

The last thing Speed wants to do is go to a party where he doesn't know anyone just so Tyler's friends can stare at him like some kind of lab specimen. What he wants to do is get Tyler alone for as long as possible, to finish what they started in his hallway. But going to a party with Tyler is better than not seeing him at all, and he did promise they wouldn't have to stay long. "No. I mean yeah, I can make it."

"Good." And there's that smile again, warming Tyler's voice and making Speed's stomach flutter. "So I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Speed answers, hesitating for a second before he forces the rest of the words out. "Tyler…I never said thanks. For today."

"You can thank me tomorrow."

Speed smiles as he listens to Tyler say goodnight, murmuring something he hopes is coherent before he hangs up the phone. It's been a long, strange day, but the promise in Tyler's voice makes it all worth it. He knows he still has a lot to deal with – his brother, for one thing, and his parents when they find out Matt's thinking about bailing on them too. Later all of that will probably seem important, but for now he's just looking forward to tomorrow.


End file.
